For the second time this week, I feel like I’ve let you down by having delayed my post a day. Tuesday was insanity, and yesterday, I’ll admit, I was tired and distracted, forgetting myself until it was too late at night to think straight, let alone write a coherent blog. But now NaNoWriMo is complete, I ordered a t-shirt, and got back into some of my reading.
Thursday, while at work, I read a bit from Diatribes: Volume One: 50 Essays From a Godless Misanthrope by Noah Lugeons. The rant that I read quite struck me, given where I’m at in my journey of becoming a Mormon apostate. In it, he speaks of the afterlife.
He says that many people, who otherwise would consider themselves atheist, won’t commit because they still want to hope that there is an afterlife. They don’t want the end to be the end, and I quite agree with that.
While I’ve come around more and more to religions being a thorn in the side of humanity (or perhaps more of a gaping wound given all the horrendous things done in the name of one god or another), I can’t give up the idea of there being a hereafter. The ideas of “Mormon Heaven” or the layers of hell are more appealing than thinking that once this is over, that’s it.
The finality of it, the thought of the sense of failure if I never get done the things I want, all make me wish that there’s something after this body fails.(My husband always says you can wish in one hand, and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up faster.) Learning is definitely a double-edged sword for me right now, for the more I learn I doubt that there is, but I mourn the loss of that comfort.
This is definitely the most painful part of this process, as I was already thinking about it even before I read that part of the book. I’m not sure what I’ll do to resolve these conflicts I’m having. But what I am sure of is that this will take the longest time for me to resolve and come to terms with, just as Noah spoke of in his rant.